It's three weeks away from completion of my 4th semester of the Concordia MBA. Being that I am in the very first cohort to come through the program, the side effects and contraindications had not yet been all disclosed or perhaps even figured out. So as we move through the program, I see that I'm experiencing these sensations. I haven't sought professional help, but I'm pretty sure with the power of internet self-diagnosing, I have a case of the growth pains.
Remember what it was like to be 16? Just learning to drive? The taste of independence had you dreaming of the next adventure to come. And at the same time, there's something nice about living in a home where you don't have to pay the bills. There's the routine... the familiar... what's comfortable. I remember my first drive all by myself... to the doughnut store. I was so excited pulling out of our country gravel driveway, heading up the hill next to our house, I was given a mission, and I had one thing in mind- doughnuts. I pulled into the doughnut shop. As I got out of the car, there was that similar discomfort I currently feel. I suddenly became aware of the first time to really feel being on my own, and a sense of alone. Obviously, the feeling was not enough to detour me from my mission, or the independence of my own wheels, but today I find myself in a similar state.
Its been over a full year now of learning. With all this learning comes growth, and new levels of trying out my own independence in business thought and practice. I've been given additional responsibilities at work, and what was cutting edge has gained a sense of the routine and familiar has become comfortable. At the same time, its like I'm growing in new directions, and my favorite pair of sneakers just aren't fitting like they used to. My job is one I love. A great fit for my natural disposition, and I have such a supportive team, a flexible environment, and co-workers I really love. What I'm feeling is something between exposure to knowing there's something more- leadership, and wishing I had never seen it, so I could find a true sense of contentment in my current position. I keep telling myself that it just doesn't get better than this, because honestly I know not much could. On the other hand, there's this growth of leadership that's happened while I'm getting my MBA, this growth of business know-how that must be used. And concurrently, this scares the jeebers out of me. Leadership is so glamorized today... a true leader is carrying a cross of a whole different load. To serve people, charged with the responsibility of their paths, and yet we're all so flawed and human. That's alot to take in. Just thinking of that makes me thrilled that I'm in the position I'm in, with no direct reports.
My greatest responsibility currently offers me the opportunity of leadership through volunteer subcommittees. I'm currently organizing an event and 5 subcommitees and internal staff meetings to keep us all on the same page. Its a great type of leadership to start, because you know your volunteers all choose to be there. They feel good about the work they are doing. Hopefully staff feel that way, but you can't count on it day in and day out. Life happens.
So its like I see this train coming down the tracks. Its not here yet, but the growth pains of knowing more than I can exercise feels a bit like the baby bird in the nest. I'm hoping I can take my current job to new heights with what I learn. Hoping I can find a way to resolve the fit-growth of my current situation. Hoping I can continue to develop my skills. I've worked in programs, and now fundraising, and I hope to have the opportunity to learn the organizational side of non-profit business. Really it's all in the Lord's hands, and I just want to be ready for however He wants to use me. In the meantime, I'll pray for a content heart, but be warned- learning and the Concordia MBA can lead to side effects known as growing pains.
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