Sometimes, the more you know- the more you come to understand what you don't know. The point is to learn how to stand with confidence, when you understand what it is you don't know and your weaknesses and strengths as an individual.
I had the honor of having coffee with a new executive in town not too long ago. She's the President of a new university, and she's accomplished this even before hitting her mid 30s. I was so inspired by her and the time we had. We seemed to connect on so many levels, and even in our first coffee I had the opportunity to be vulnerable with what I perceive are some of my weaknesses as a young leader. She continued to stress the importance of confidence and humility.
A couple months ago, I really struggled with some gossip that was said about me. I was told that someone thought I was the most self-promoting person they knew. I should have been able to see the comment for what it was, but it really got to me that I could even be perceived that way. I had a very strong reaction to this, even taking home from my office any award or recognition I had received, feeling it was no longer something I could even take pride in. It's hard for me to be this vulnerable or even express that something like this has really shaken my confidence and my comfort within my current position.
I had coffee yesterday with Dr. Linda Ford. She's the former MBA Director, and is transitioning out and back into her own practice. I esteem her and her opinion. Words she spoke months ago, I can recall verbatim. Yesterday, she challenged me and said that she recognized my leadership potential, even if I didn't. She issued a challenge for me to focus on the times I am standing up to lead, rather than to focus on my missteps or people's incorrect assumptions about my motives.
Going back to my new executive friend, and the conversations we had- I asked her how she got to where she is. She talked about the value of working her way up, and that the most value came from when she did something that wasn't quite right. She emphasized the value in the learning opportunity that comes from mistakes.
For me mistakes are hard to eat. Most everything I do is very reasoned and with intention and purpose. When I do make a mistake- I take it personally... and probably too personally. It shakes my confidence, and makes me question my own capacity.
Tonight is our first night in our second leadership class. Its called Leadership of Others, so I don't think its any coincidence that this is the particular area I am struggling with. As a Christian, I see this as the struggle that often ensues before we receive the promise God has for us. So I will take Dr. Ford's and my new friend's words to heart, and trust that God really does have something for me in these next 5 weeks of class. Its time to release my insecurities with subjects I don't come to easily (such as Finance and Accounting) and get back into the stream God has called me from. Its time to let go of hurtful words and not let them cause me to doubt myself. Its time for me to remember who God has called me to be, flawed and mistaken and all, and embrace it. The total leader makes mistakes... its in this process- the aftermath, that the true character of leadership is cultivated and revealed.
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